What the Bible Actually Says About Dating (And What It Doesn't)

She sat in my office on a Tuesday afternoon, coffee going cold in her hands, and asked me a question I've heard in some form a hundred times: "How do I know if this guy is the one God has for me?" She wasn't asking about theology. She was asking because she'd been hurt before — badly — and she didn't trust her own instincts anymore.

I remember the first time I read this. Dating is one of those areas where the church has either said far too little or imposed far too many rules, rules that often weren't drawn from Scripture at all, but from cultural preferences dressed up as biblical principle. So let's actually look at what the Bible says, and what it doesn't say.

Start With the Text

One of the most instructive passages for romantic relationships is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, written by Paul around 55 AD to a church that was deeply divided and, frankly, a mess. The Corinthian believers were suing each other, dividing over personalities, and misusing spiritual gifts. Into that chaos, Paul writes what has become known as the "love chapter."

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Paul wasn't writing a wedding sermon. He was writing a corrective to people who were using relationships — including spiritual ones — as instruments of personal advancement and social positioning.

The Plain Sense of Scripture on Dating

I have been here. The Greek word Paul uses for love here is agape — not eros (romantic desire) or philia (friendship). Agape is a chosen, deliberate orientation toward the good of another person. It's not a feeling that overwhelms you. It's a decision you make with your will, consistently, over time.

This matters enormously for dating. Most of what we call "falling in love" is the emotional rush of early attraction — and that's not wrong, but it's also not sufficient. The biblical framework asks a different question than our culture does. Culture asks: "Do I feel strongly about this person?" Scripture asks: "Am I becoming the kind of person who can love this person well?"

Dating, from a biblical standpoint, is less about finding the right person and more about becoming a person who is capable of right relationship. That's a harder, slower, more honest process.

The Part Most Teachers Skip

Here's something pastors often avoid saying: the Bible doesn't promise you a spouse. It doesn't guarantee that if you follow the right steps, pray hard enough, or stay pure enough, you'll find "the one." Some godly people remain single their whole lives. Some godly people marry and face tremendous suffering in those marriages. The romantic ideal we attach to biblical faith isn't always biblical.

What the Bible does say is that how you pursue another person reveals your character. Do you treat someone as a full human being made in God's image — with dignity, honesty, and genuine concern. Or do you treat them as a candidate to be evaluated and discarded? That question cuts both ways. It also means being honest when a relationship isn't right, rather than dragging someone along because you're afraid to be alone.

Translating This Into Habits

1. Let your community know who you are dating — and listen to them

Proverbs 11:14 says there's safety in a multitude of counselors. This isn't about getting permission from your parents or small group. It's about trusting that people who know you and love you can see things you can't see when you're emotionally invested. I've watched people ignore red flags that everyone around them could clearly see. Don't do that.

2. Ask what you are actually looking for — and be honest

Many people in their twenties and thirties are looking for security, not partnership. Or they're looking for someone to fill a specific void left by a parent or an ex. That's not love — that's need masquerading as love. Do the work, whether through counseling or honest self-examination, to understand your real motivations before you involve someone else in them.

3. Date in a way you won't regret regardless of the outcome

This is a principle I give to single people in my congregation. If this relationship ends in six months, will you be able to say you treated this person with integrity? Were you honest about your intentions? Did you honor their emotions and their body? Dating with integrity means dating in a way that leaves both people better off — or at least no worse — whether you end up together or not.

4. Don't spiritualize avoidance

I've known people who used "I'm waiting on God" as a way to avoid the vulnerability and risk of actual relationship. God isn't asking you to be passive. He's asking you to be wise and courageous. Ask the person out. Have the honest conversation. Take the risk.

A Prayer for Those in This Season

Lord, I'm bringing you my desire for love — messy and complicated as it is. I don't want to be naive, and I don't want to be cynical. Give me the wisdom to see clearly, the courage to act honestly, and the grace to treat every person I encounter as someone you died for. If marriage is ahead for me, prepare me for it. If it isn't, show me what fullness looks like in this life I have. Either way, don't let me love poorly. Amen.